Love Yourself First.

Tomorrow will change my life in Arizona. I’m starting a new job. A new chapter in my life. This is why I moved here and this is what I’ve been waiting for. However, I can’t help but think of something that has been distracting me for a while now. Boys. Duh, I’m nineteen, single, and I have probably the most flirtatious personality in metro-Phoenix.

Marcus and I went down in flames last night. Marcus had some liquid courage in him and needless to say, that was not advantageous to the conversation. Not at all. He told me again that he wanted a relationship. I told him that we needed to talk about this before either of us made any hasty decisions. He came out with “whatever, that was your chance.” …my chance to what, exactly? Marcus and I have had many conversations about how guys under that age of about 25 (sometimes there can be a rare exception at 23 but usually its 25) aren’t worth dating because they are immature, insecure, and I don’t have the patience for them. Marcus assured me over and over that it depends on the guy and he was different. Marcus is 20, just a few months older than me. So after I thought for a moment about the chance I’d missed (and to be honest, I’m still not completely sure what that was) I responded.

“Whatever, kid. I’m not into games. Whatever you choose to do with your girlfriend is your problem and leave me out of it. This is why I don’t get involved with younger guys. We hook up once and you’re buggin? Get a grip, kid. Happy one night stand.”

And that’s where we left it.

So many girls sell themselves short in relationships because they are so afraid to be single. I consider myself lucky to be single and independent and capable of handling life on my own. Is it lonely? Sometimes.  But I have the rest of my life and should I choose to be tied down, it certainly won’t be to some egotistical boy who can’t handle being alone. He needs a girl that is a lot less confident than me. I’m not one to be controlled.

However, there is a prospect. This boy that I used to work with at a previous job. I’m not ready to go public with him so we can call him Carlos. Carlos is absolutely nothing that I’ve been looking for. I’ve always looked for ambitious, straight cut boys that are not dangerous or unpredictable. Carlos is none of the above. At the ripe old age of 26, he had tried college, and just isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life. He doesn’t have a car. He has a motorcycle. He had a Mohawk, a lip ring, and just one tattoo. He wears skate sneakers and dog tags every day. Carlos is perfect. He’s old enough that he’s figured out the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground. Does he have a definitive direction? No. But just because I have a set career path at 19 doesn’t mean that everyone has to know exactly what they want out of life.

I can’t even describe how he makes me feel. Not nervous, a little bit of butterflies but it’s not your traditional, I’m so into this boy, I don’t know how to act oh em gee. I feel exhilarated. Everything around me is so defined, so sure, and so set. There is no room for error. But with Carlos, I just want to jump on the back of his bike and go. I don’t care where and I don’t care how long we’re gone for. He makes me feel alive.

Luckily for me, Carlos wants to focus a little more on where his life is going and claims to not want a relationship right now. I’m not sure whether to move along myself or stick it out and see where life takes us. Will fate cause our paths to cross or merge or split off completely?

Moral of the story: Don’t sell yourself short for the sake of being in a relationship. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself so have the self respect to know what you deserve. A douche bag boy that can’t get out of his own way unless it’s to get to a gym? Or a guy that doesn’t have it all figured out but has a good head on his shoulders and makes you feel invincible? I know which side I’m leaning towards. 

The Other Woman?

As of Thursday night, my life surprised me, yet again.

So there is this boy (the beginning of all great stories, no?) and I guess I’ve known him for a bit. His name is Marcus. He was one of the first people I met when I moved here. It was one of those instant attraction things. He’s an athlete, kind of tall, a few tattoos, muscles, classic attractive guy, ya know? And apparently the attraction was mutual but it just never worked out.

One night, in early May, right after school had let out, I stopped by his place after a night out with the girls, and we were up talking until at least 4:00 in the morning. Just talking. It was …kind of nice, actually. Then when I left, I gave him a big hug, and he kissed me. Seems innocent enough, right? Wrong. Marcus had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was gone for the summer. She was a local college student during the school year, but for a few month during the summer, she had to go back to Wisconsin. Cheater. Red flag, back away, run far and fast, you have happened upon a cheater. But he’s hot. And he’s not cheating on me… no, not okay, run.

A few weeks later, it was late in May. I had met a guy. He was in a band. We had talked about the long distance thing but weren’t really sure where it stood, at least I wasn’t. And for me, that’s enough to wait until it got figured out. It had been a little bit, and I figured things had cooled off, so I invited Marcus over to polish off a few beers that had been taking up space in my fridge. He came over, we had a few brews, and while having a smoke on my balcony, I hugged him again. This time, he held me close for a few seconds too long… I didn’t kiss him. That night, Marcus slept at my apartment because we’d been drinking and I’m not one to condone drinking and driving. I slept in my bed. Alone. Marcus slept in a recliner, in my living room. In the morning, we chatted over coffee, and he was on his way. A harmless night… so they are possible.

Fast forward to late July. Specifically, the night of July 21^st. This past Thursday. And in the language of young adults, Thirsty Thursday is the greatest night of the week. I get a text about a small get together. A few hours later, I’m beside a ruit table, drink in hand. Happy Thirsty Thursday. Early into the night, Marcus asks me, “how’s the boyfriend?” and I reply with “what boyfriend?” Marcus’ response was something along the lines of “play your cards right and you could have one.” Keep in mind, I was indeed single.  Marcus had a girlfriend, who was still in Wisconsin for the summer.

Not long after that, Marcus and I are on the balcony, alone. Marcus leans in to kiss me. I’m still not sure if it was me or the sex on the beach I’d been drinking, but I kissed back. This happened a few times through the night. Around 2:00am, I decide I’m in a little over my head and my spins and I need to go to bed. I walk into Marcus’ room, and collapse onto the bed. The door shuts, and not long after, there is a hand on the small of my back. Rolling over, I see that it’s Marcus. How sweet of my friend to come check on me. That’s when I wrapped my arms around his neck. That’s when he unbuttoned my shorts...and I didn’t stop him.

At 6:00am, my alarm goes off to get up, head back to my place, and get ready for work. I roll off of Marcus and reach for my shorts. I kiss him one more time, and sneak out the door.

That night, Marcus and I had talked about exes, and how his girlfriend had cheated on him, and he still took her back. And how I’ve had exes that had had cheated on me. He asked if I’d ever cheated and I said no, which is the truth. He told me that he wasn’t surprised. If I was a cheater, I would’ve cheated that night at my apartment. But I didn’t, I made him sleep in the chair. I didn’t have to ask if he had ever cheated. I knew he had. I knew, first hand.

I see how he could trust me and how I’d be a girl he would want a relationship with. He knew he could be confident in our relationship and he knew that I wouldn’t cheat. He’d seen that, even when intoxicated, I’m not a cheater, even if I’m not totally sure that I’m in a relationship. But how can he expect me to want a relationship and trust him when he’d cheated multiple times? …bro, really? You’re trying to date the girl that you cheated on your girlfriend with?

Moral of the story: if you ever want someone to take what you do seriously, don’t intentionally involve them in something that will prove that you’re a failure at what you want them to have faith in you for. 

I choose today.

It is very easy to become overwhelmed, especially y when you are too young, taking on too much of what life has to offer. If you open your eyes, you will learn a lot. But if you are too ambitious, you will see too much and you will become overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning. And it is possible to drown in only a few feet of water, but once you plant your feet and stand up, you’re ok.

Up until today, I had gotten myself into quite the downward spiral. I was a little to deep in credit card debt. My student loans had gone delinquent. I’ve been worrying about rent and my car and all sorts of things. And then, it hit me.

In a matter of days, life as I know it is changing.

I am starting a brand new job at a store with so much growth potential and that is what I’ve been looking for. It’s so much more secure financially than my other job. I’m also going to be transferring departments to keep a part time job, too. Also, I’m hopefully getting involved with a company that my friend works for, doing security for concerts and different events. Between these things and school, I should be able to get my head above the water.

Today, I made a payment on my student loans. Enough to bring one completely up to date and the other out of delinquency.  I made a payment on my credit cards. Not enough to bring them completely up to date, but it’s a start.

Today, I’m taking a stand.

Today, I’m planting my feet and getting my head above the water.

Today is my day.

What will you do today?